Growing a thicker skin

When I had my children, I was shocked by how deeply I loved those babies.  Just as deeply as falling in love with my husband, but different.  For the first time in my life, I knew I would be willing to die to protect them.  Maybe even kill. At a minimum, inflict some serious pain.

As my kids grew up and I learned to let them go, little by little, I still didn't lose that Mother-Bear-Defend-Them-to-the-Death attitude.

And when the coach kept my child on the bench, when the director gave someone else the part, when the cute boy/girl broke their heart, I was angry or heartbroken along with them.  But I tried (emphasis on tried) to keep it inside because I know that these are the things that shape and guide us and help us to figure out who we are.  Over the years, I grew a slightly thicker skin when it came to my kids.  Slightly.

But now I am going to have to grow a much thicker skin.  Fur coated, dense, virtually impenetrable. 

My son works in advertising.  His successes and shortcomings are his own, known by him, his co-workers, his customers.  His performance reviews are not published online.  I like this about his career.

Mackenzie's world is different.  Because she wants to be a professional singer/songwriter, her work is evaluated openly, critically, publically.

http://www.youtube.com/user/kenzielynne91

People criticize her for being too commercial (it's her ART, quit focusing about making a living!), for doing a cover from their favorite singer (how dare she!), for not doing a cover of their favorite singer (doesn't she know what she should be singing?).  She has fans who tweet and post in the hope of dating her, and not all of them are completely in their right minds.

And she has already warned me that it could get a lot worse.  Someone created a fake sex tape of Carly Rae Jepsen. Mackenzie said "Can you imagine how her mom felt???".

So she guards her privacy.  She is careful not to geotag many of her posts and doesn't respond to inappropriate and negative tweets.  In the world of everybody-shares-everything, this is good practice for all of us, but especially important for someone whose career choice means living under public scrutiny.

And in the meantime, I will work on growing a thicker skin, impervious to the wounds that will be inflicted on my cherished daughter.  If you have any ideas on how to speed up the process, I sure would love to hear them.
+Mackenzie Elliott

It's a marathon, not a sprint

I'm training to run a half marathon in October.  I haven't run a race since 8th grade, but it raises money for WorldVision and I'm passionate about that organization and so I'm doing this.  When you train for a marathon, you run 3 miles, then 5, then 3, then 6 . . . forward, back, further forward.

Because of reality TV and some breakout performances, there's a perception that a performing career happens overnight, but it doesn't.  It's more like a marathon than a sprint.  Unless you are the one in a million, this stuff takes time. Michelle Chamuel and the Swon Brothers have been working at this for years and years (The Voice is still my only context for reality show reality, sorry).

It's forward, back, further forward.  Repeat.

That's Wise Elissa on the left.
She's awesome.

When Mackenzie arrived in Nashville,

she felt like she was already too old
at age 20.
But her wise friend Elissa
kept reminding her,
"You can't compare your beginning
to someone else's middle."

The important thing is to begin.  Mackenzie's been reading +Jon Acuff 's new book, START.  She heard him speak at at an event for musicians and couldn't wait to get the book.  It's great if you are starting or if you are starting over. And everyone has to start over at some point, so you need to just go buy this book and just keep it handy.

Athletes, performers, me, pretty much everyone with a big goal has to approach it like a marathon. Have a short memory for the inevitable setbacks. Have a plan that changes when it needs to. Remember that a lot of the battle is in your head.
But START.  And TRAIN.  And DO.

+Mackenzie Elliott in her classical music life. Cute updo but definitely not her.

+Mackenzie Elliott in her classical music life.
Cute updo but definitely not her.

I've watched Mackenzie take this approach and go from a misplaced classical voice major to someone who has the guts to become a pop singer.            
In Nashville.

I'm so proud of her, because she has already done the hardest part - she's started!  And she's got a plan that changes when needed. And she battles the demons of fear and uncertainty and just keeps moving forward.  Forward, back, further forward.  Repeat.

Latest Mom brag - new music videos here:  http://www.youtube.com/user/kenzielynne91 

There are better friends out there

When we had our first child, my husband and I had recently moved to a new city, he was working ridiculously long hours and I had just taken a leave of absence from my job.  I was lonely and sad, in spite of being so crazy about my beautiful baby son. I kept feeling like I shouldn't need anyone but my baby boy all day long, because he was so dang cute.  I mean, just look at him.

See?

But loneliness can be crushing, and so I forced myself to get out there and find nice people. It was hard, but I kept trying and I found some kind, caring friends.

And the connection between this and parenting an artist is . . . artists face a lot of rejection and so learning to develop a support structure is a critical life skill.  Critical.  I know salespeople and college professors and a lot of other people face rejection in their careers, but that's different.  When someone rejects your product or drops out of your class, it is not the same thing as when they reject your music or your painting or your novel, because your art is an extension of you and it is very personal.

So artists should be encouragers of others and surround themselves with fellow encouragers.  Mackenzie has been blessed with some amazing friends who are each other's greatest cheerleaders.  She has let go of the hyper-competitive ones who won't retweet performance and release notices, won't share videos . . .  Instead, she has found people who believe in building each other up.

Some of +Mackenzie Elliott's awesome friends

One man, a nationally touring performer, started a group where local artists can network and he hasn't made it an exclusive club.  Instead, he encourages them to invite others, even newbies, with the only condition that they are artists.  A songwriter who writes for people like Justin Bieber tweeted about Mackenzie's blind audition because he believes in encouraging young singer/songwriters. A friend from Michigan went to Nashville to do video and photo work for her (here's the first video:  http://youtu.be/ZL1i-ySVt-A). There are some supportive, caring, encouraging artist communities out there.

So if you are in the life of an artist and the people around them are tearing them down, please see if you can convince them to keep trying to meet new friends. Ones who they will encourage, and who will strengthen them in return. It's a long and rocky road, and it's good to travel with better friends.

Like Grandpa says, "That's why they call it work"

When I was growing up, nobody told me to "follow my passion".  If I loved a job passionately, no one would have to pay me to go there.

My dream was to act for a living.  I had parts in the high school performances and at the Pittsburgh Playhouse.  One day my favorite high school teacher said that, essentially because of my solid suburban upbringing, I wasn't "broken" enough to be a professional actor.  Decades later I remain thankful for his honesty.

But when my son said that instead of pursuing biomedical engineering he was going to major in English and Philosophy, I kept my concerns to myself.  I didn't try to talk him out of it because fortunately he went to a school where you can probably major in Cheese for Fine Dining and still get a good job when you graduate.  And he did.  Get a good job, not major in Cheese.

  +Dartmouth 

Maybe that's why it was easier to swallow when Mackenzie announced in her senior year of high school that she didn't want to major in Chemistry after all.  She wanted to be a Worship Leader. Okay, that's not a high paying career, but it is a career, and she got music scholarships to a great Christian university and so off she went.

+Mackenzie Elliott 

Then it got really hard.  She didn't fit into the world of worship leading.  She has too much of an edge, is a little too liberal, a lot too independent.  She prayed and thought about it and got advice and decided to be a pop singer.  That's a career, too, but an ultra-competitive, high risk career. So what now? How do parents support a high risk endeavor without becoming a perpetual safety net?

Well, we've agreed that she has our support as long as she is in school.  We know other parents who agree to support part of their artist's expenses, or only for a limited period of time.  Some let their kids live at home, others cut the cord completely and wish them well.  I met a dad at The Voice whose daughter moved to L.A. when she was 18 and he sees her about once a year because neither of them can afford to visit each other on opposite coasts.

I won't know for years whether or not we are doing this right.  But if we can help her go for this while she is still young, before the obligations of work and marriage and family crowd out everything else, then we'll do that.

We're in agreement and we're behind her and we're praying for her.  And we all understand that the safety net doesn't last forever. She wouldn't want it to.  She has BIG plans.  And some new YouTube videos (mom plug again):  https://www.youtube.com/user/kenzielynne91

Parenting a Performer - Nobody Talks About the $$

One of the main questions I keep trying to tactfully ask other parents of aspiring artists is

HOW THE HECK DO YOU PAY FOR ALL THIS?  (Just try to picture yourself asking that tactfully.  It can't be done.)

Because I am pretty sure that whether your child wants to sing in stadiums, dance with a professional ballet, or play hockey for a living, it all costs a lot of money.  For a singer/songwriter, it takes training and song production and photography and videography and artwork and studio musicians and band members and a website ...


+Mackenzie Elliott's website is a work in process...

I always thought you performed every gig you could and sent your music to every record label you knew of and hopefully you got discovered! That still happens, but there are other ways to have a music career and other ways to fund it.

One thing I've learned is that almost every upcoming artist is doing something else in addition to music.  Waiting tables, building houses, working retail, anything that is flexible enough to allow an artist to develop their music while also paying the rent.

Here is what else I've learned:

• Some people have sponsors.  It might be a development label,  a PR firm, a music business friend or it might be Mom and Dad.  Someone has taken them on and is covering their costs. 
• Hitting the road is still the way a lot of people go. We met the parents of a country singer whose daughter has been traveling all over the country for years, sleeping in the van, eating at 7-11. Her mom and dad worry about her every day but she's making progress.
• Kickstarter is a great option AFTER you have a fan base established.  Don't go asking for money if you haven't earned the right to ask.  Everyone, even your friends and family, wants to "invest" in something they think has a good chance of succeeding, because it is really fun to be a part of that. 
• YouTube could be one of the best things of all time to happen for singer/songwriters.  It lowers the barriers to entry significantly and if you are successful, you can build up a brand before you ever try to tour or catch a label's attention.
• Reality shows like American Idol, The Voice, America's Got Talent, The X Factor . . . they are all extreme long shots but why not try? 

There's no single path to making a living as an artist. Whichever one your son or daughter takes, make sure they know how to go charm those restaurant customers for big tips in the meantime.

Do people really get onto The Voice through open casting?

The Voice has posted open casting dates for the next season, and some people have asked whether I think it is worth the time and money for their son or daughter to audition.  One person showed me her online research on the Top 12 finalists in Season 4, and I admit, it is daunting.  Most of the people who get chosen for The Voice are really accomplished performers with many years of experience and established industry connections.

Mackenzie went to open casting twice before getting a blind audition.  The first time, we went to Chicago so she could audition for Season 3. 

+Mackenzie Elliott's Voice Season 3 Open Casting

There were probably 6,000 people there to audition and we waited in line with her for hours. Take water, take snacks, take a great attitude, because unless you want to bring crack of dawn morning voice to your audition, it will be a looooonnnnggg wait.  I think you have to be at least 16, and they let parents in with the under-18 minors.

Mackenzie was the only one in her audition group who completed her entire song before hearing "thank you", but she did not get a callback. It was pretty darn heartbreaking for her and thousands of other people.

The next year, she and some friends from Belmont auditioned in Memphis for Season 4.  A year after her Season 3 audition, she had progressed in her singing ability and refined her "look", kind of a more feminine Rosie the Riveter.  Yep, it definitely helps to differentiate yourself from the crowd.

+Mackenzie Elliott, photo credit Christi Dittrich

Plenty of fear, plenty of angst, but she did get a callback and ultimately got a blind audition. And Mackenzie got to hug Usher, Shakira and ADAM LEVINE (caps hers, probably for the rest of her life).

I have heard that some of the other reality shows are not as friendly.  Some of them create artificial conflict among the contestants or even within the contestants' families.So if you go into this, go into it understanding that TV is for entertainment.  Period. Everything is recorded and every recording can be edited, so mind what you say. And the stars are the stars and everything they do is going to be more important than anything your son or daughter does.

So if you're considering a reality show audition, here's my advice.  Go for it.  Realize the odds against success are enormous, but you never know unless you try.  Don't be a diva. And for heavens sake, remember that the microphone is ALWAYS ON.

You can't be brave until you're scared

We have been crazy blessed in where we were able to raise our kids.  We live in a small town where you almost always run into people you know at the grocery store.  Steve's preschool teacher and high school physics teacher both live within a couple blocks of our house.

My kids left our wonderful little town and they are never coming back.  They went to college out of state and they got jobs out of state and now they both live far away from us. It was scary but it was the right thing to do.  It's not the right choice for everybody, but it was the right choice for them.

When our kids were young, and they were scared, Jim would tell them "You can't be brave until you're scared".  Then he would push them down the hill upside down on the zipline.

He wanted them to see fear as a launching pad, not a roadblock. 

Aspiring performers have to be independent and brave.  They need to learn to work with creative people who don't live by schedules and may or may not get critical work done on time.  They have to recruit co-writers and band members, and pitch themselves to coffee houses and bars and hopefully someday, publishing houses and labels.  They need to stand up on stage and sing for a long time, whether they have a big engaged audience or 3 indifferent coffee drinkers.

+Mackenzie Elliott

I have learned that some successful performers never get over their stage fright.  They have learned to use fear for adrenaline instead of letting it take them down.

Fear can be paralyzing, even when you believe deeply that God is in charge.  So my prayer for our aspiring pop star is that she knows you can't avoid fear.  But you can't be brave until you're scared.

There are Music Parents and there are Music Business Parents

When we were in LA waiting for Mackenzie's blind audition, we met a lot of other parents of artists.  I decided they fell into 4 categories:

1. Clueless Parents - the ones who were thrilled and starstruck that their kids were auditioning for The Voice but had absolutely no idea how any of this works. Tremendous cheerleaders for their kids. They walked around about 10 feet off the ground on audition day 1 and were fighting the demons of fear and anxiety by the last day of auditions.
2. Clued in Parents - these parents understand at least some aspects of the long, unpredictable road their kids are on.  They were very supportive but were also quietly keeping "Plan B" options open.  Less starstruck by The Voice than the Clueless Parents.  They've made sacrifices for their kids, but are also taking care of their marriages, their other kids, their communities and churches.
3. Music Parents - these parents are 10% manager and 90% parent.  They are involved with their kid's career and are paying for at least part of the associated expense.  Most have continued to remind their son/daughter about keeping a Plan B. Most of them were careful about boundaries but some of them were moving toward becoming . . . 
4. Music Business Parents - 90% manager, 10% parent.  These are the parents who sacrifice their jobs, marriages, financial futures for the sake of their son or daughter's career.  We met moms who are living with the kid(s) in LA or NYC or Nashville, driving their kids to and from auditions/music lessons/dance class/acting studio while Dad is living somewhere else in the country to make enough money to support it all.

Waiting for +Mackenzie Elliott's Blind Audition

I moved from strongly in Category 1 to somewhere early in Category 2 during the audition timeframe.  And I learned a TON from some of the well balanced Category 2  and 3 parents.  I have called or texted a couple of them when I needed some perspective or wisdom.

But if you are the parent of an aspiring professional performer or athlete or any other kind of career that might involve celebrity status, I want to warn you to beware of moving out of Category 2.  If you're going to move into Category 3, I'd say that you need to set a time limit and identify a Plan B.  And in the meantime, take care of your other kids, take care of your marriage, stay involved in your hometown, save for retirement and put boundaries in place so that you are not in the Manager role at the same time you're being Mom and Dad.

Because Category 4 was really scary to watch. The dangers seem obvious, but at some point their son or daughter had a success that swept all of them into a paradigm shift. Their child got the part, got the development deal, got the big PR firm and Mom and Dad decided that any sacrifice was worth it.  But from my view on the outside looking in. . . it's like playing the lottery except your kid is the lottery ticket.  NO PRESSURE. 

Right now, Jim and I are on the outer edge of Category 2.  We are starting to move into Category 3 but we we want to be really careful.  Because the lines seem well defined from here, but apparently they are harder to see the deeper in you go.  A Manager has a role based on financial investment and return.  A Parent has a role based on love and wisdom.  But mostly love.  We never want to venture too close to the edge of Category 4.  That's a deep, deep pit that looks hard to climb out of.

Mom Plug:  Mackenzie is in a contest to open for Kelly Clarkson and Carly Rae Jepsen.  If you'd like to vote, go to the link below and open up an account with your email.  They haven't sent me one piece of spam.  You can vote every day, but no matter how often you vote, THANK YOU!
Here is the link to make a gigg.com account and vote for Mackenzie: http://www.gigg.com/contest/bracket/242/6342

Musical milestones and sharing what we love - Mackenzie's first single is on itunes!

I've always believed that one of the greatest things a parent can do is share what they love with their kids.  Unless you love Nickleback. Or selling crack. Then you should find something else to share.

My husband Jim and I shared what we loved with our kids as they grew up:

• Christian faith
• Music
• Generosity
• Golf (okay, that one's Jim's, not mine)
• Family time
• Intellectual pursuits
• Fitness (once again, mostly Jim's.  There's a theme here)

Some of those stuck and some of them didn't.  Music stuck on both of our kids, and I love that.  From the time they were born, Jim and I surrounded them with music.  Jim played them classic jazz recordings and I sang them lullabyes.  When they were pre-schoolers, we taught them our address, phone number and even how to spell their names to music.  We forced both of them to take piano lessons for a limited time, which only stuck with Mackenzie.  But they both grew up loving to sing and that is the best instrument of all because it is always with you.  And much easier to carry around than a piano.

+Mackenzie Elliott singing the National Anthem in Middle School

Both of our kids sang in church choirs, sports events, high school musicals and college a cappella groups.  One of my favorite musical memories is watching my son race up the bleacher steps to the announcer's booth to sing the National Anthem and then race back down to the field to play lacrosse. 

Today, Mackenzie releases her first single and it so exciting.  We LOVE it but we are biased; we pretty much love everything our kids do. We are celebrating her big accomplishment and our joy in the fact that music is an enduring heritage.  We tried to give our kids values that would last a lifetime.  I'm glad that music is one of those that made the cut.

You can buy her single for 99 cents on itunes here http://bit.ly/17Jnnki, if you want, it's called "You Got Me Good" and you can also see the lyric video on her youtube channel here http://www.youtube.com/user/kenzielynne91

Waiting for Air Time on The Voice

If you have a son or daughter who wants a career in the public eye, and they have an opportunity to be in the public eye, it is very hard to wait for that one big break that might make all the difference. 

The Voice is built on talent, suspense and surprise.  Mackenzie had a blind audition, and we knew they would show some auditions where no chairs turned, but we didn't know if hers would be chosen to air.  And air time is a big deal.  Artists who don't turn chairs but still get air time can get attention from PR agencies, managers, even labels.  But if you don't get air time, it's almost as if it never happened.

So we waited . . .

 

I'm not going to tell you how much time elapsed between her audition and the first episode of The Voice Season 4.  But it felt like decades.  DECADES.  And we couldn't talk to anyone about it except each other, and of course that gets old.  So a lot of anxiety built up.  I spent a lot of time praying and a lot of time referencing scriptures about waiting, like this one:

Isaiah 40:31:   They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Waiting on the Lord should renew my strength.  But I am awful at waiting.  For anything.  Ever.  And my strength didn't renew like it should have, because as I mentioned, I HATE WAITING.  That can be a major spiritual shortcoming.

But eventually, the first blind audition episode was aired, and the second, and the third . . . and the last.  No Mackenzie.  So here's the real challenge.  When I pin my hope for my child onto that one thing and the one thing doesn't happen, does my faith allow me to trust that God has something better?  It has to.  Because although they never stop being my "kids", they were God's kids first.

And so far, so good.  No labels have called, but she was allowed to post on social media that she auditioned.  There are a few seconds of us in a crowd shot, so we have proof that it actually happened! She is writing songs again, recording again, performing again, interning in the music business, and back to college.  She has a plan and it doesn't involve overnight success.

The main thing is, as a parent, I have to remember two things when my child's dream doesn't unfold exactly as planned.  First, it is their dream.  Not mine.  Even when my heart breaks for them, it can't break more than theirs does.  Second, God's got this.  In every stage of my life, when my major disappointments have come and gone, I've been able to look back and see how God used them for good for me.  As a Mom I have to remember that my kids need to learn that for themselves. I should not try to shield them from the heartbreaks that make them stronger.

As Mackenzie's roommate's dad said, "Nicole, sometimes life is just hard."  Truth.

One more thing: There's a contest now where +Mackenzie Elliott  can win the chance to open for some big time artists.  If you're interested, you can go to this site, create a login, and vote for her by clicking on the 5 stars.  Thanks!  http://www.gigg.com/w/18053

So my daughter had a blind audition with The Voice

 

My daughter, Mackenzie Elliott, had a blind audition with The Voice.  And ever since then I have gotten lots and lots of requests from other parents to share info about her journey as a singer.  I have no idea where this blog will go, but I won't tell you any "backstage secrets" about The Voice.  I can tell you that The Voice is a class act.  Since Mackenzie travels in musical circles, she knows about artists who have been on other reality shows.  And there is apparently a lot of artificial drama created between the artists by the production teams of some of those other shows. 

WHO KNEW.

We/she saw none of this on The Voice.  The Production Assistants (PA's) were encouraging, upbeat and positive.  The production leadership spent time talking to us, the friends and family, about what we should expect whether or not chairs turned.  They reminded all of us, artists, family and friends, that it was an incredible honor to get a blind audition and that our artists are extremely talented.  We looked around and saw that yes, there were some really beautiful people in the cast, but there were plenty of people there with amazing voices who were a little on the chubby side or had big noses or serious acne.  It really is all about their voices.

And the coaches don't have a secret little buzzer under their chair that tells them to turn around.  They don't.  It is all about the singers and the dynamic between the coaches.  And that makes for good TV.

Mackenzie was one of the final artists to audition, and there were only two spots left when she sang. As they said on TV, at that point the coaches were looking for something very specific and Mackenzie must not have been it.  But still, it was an amazing experience.  She got to audition for four superstar musicians and get their feedback.  And at the end, she got to hug Usher, Shakira and ADAM LEVINE (capital letters hers).  Not sure how she missed Blake Shelton, but she did.

Then we went home and waited to see if her audition would be on TV.  And that is another story.

+Mackenzie Elliott